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Just like Sammy Hagar, Angry Ed Just Can’t Drive 55

Angry EdBy Ed Moffett

There’s an old saying in Germany regarding the speed-UNlimited autobahn that goes something like, "Liberated roads for free people."

Well, here in the states it’s, "Restricted roads because of stupid people."

Allow me to explain.

One night last September, driving cross-country at 3am on a stretch of highway in Iowa where I would more likely be abducted by aliens than encounter traffic, it occurred to me that a 75mph speed limit is just plain ridiculous.

I was 35 years old, in excellent physical condition, perfectly alert, sober and surrounded by nothing but well-lit open road. I read the odometer and did some quick math in my head, "If it’s 3am, I’m averaging 75 mph, and Detroit is 816 miles away, I should arrive at approximately 2pm. Hmm, if I averaged 100mph, I’d be there before noon.

Too bad — that would be illegal, and though my vehicle and I are more than capable of comfortably handling 100mph, the risk of a $300 fine and an increased insurance premium is a strong deterrent. So I’ll just continue to putter along at 75, waiting for the aliens. Maybe they’ll give me a ride. Surely they’ll have some sort of magical beam -  a ‘tractor’ beam – which they can use to raise my car onto their ship. Once aboard, I can persuade them to head 816 miles northeast at light-speed, thereby getting me to Detroit in .00438 seconds.

Now THAT would be sweet!

And the cops would never catch us!" Unfortunately, the aliens never came, so I arrived home and lay down to sleep in my new Detroit bed at 2:15pm. That night I dreamt of a better world, perhaps our world hundreds of years in the future, where progress is uninhibited by laws based on the margin of error. -A world without a need for rules and punishments designed to deter the masses from abusing their privileges. -Where the considerate and intelligent members of society are not penalized for mistakes the inconsiderate or intellectually challenged might make.

Sadly, I awoke to the present, where the stupidity of the many far outweighs the intelligence of the few and society’s laws are dictated by the behavior of our lowest common denominator. In other words, I am not allowed to drive 100mph because some idiot with the reaction time of a college kid at a Phish concert might try to do the same thing. If I need to explain further, you’re probably part of the problem and essentially why I can’t get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time.

Move to Germany, you say? WELL, I JUST MIGHT, LADY! I just might!

Editor’s note:  These are Angry Ed’s, and only Angry Ed’s views.  I’m not sure anyone shares his desire to have all rules on the freeways abandonded.  Maybe we should give Germany a heads up if he decides to move there…

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  1. I-696 doesn’t have a speed limit… Does it?

    Posted by: Scott | May 10, 2007
  2. Angry Ed obviously doesn’t have a fuzz buster. :P

    Posted by: Jen R | May 10, 2007
  3. For anyone else, I would present some valid research and point out the fact that your complaint is valid. In fact, in states that have increased speed limits, there have been lower auto-related fatality rates. However, you are Ed Moffett, so quit your whining and take a plane if you want to get home to your precious Pipes sooner, tightwad.

    Posted by: Rusty Shackleford | May 10, 2007
  4. I was doing a blog search and saw this. Is this the same Eddie Moffet from California? Eddie is a great musician, I am his biggest fan!!

    Posted by: Tina - Eddie Moffet's Biggest Fan | May 10, 2007
  5. Lookee there!! Little Eddie has a fan! One.

    Posted by: Christy | May 10, 2007
  6. Little Angry Eddie? :P

    Posted by: Jen | May 10, 2007
  7. Awwww… Angry Ed can’t drive 100 MPH and I’m supposed to feel sorry for him? Thank goodness for laws!!!

    Posted by: Pipes | May 14, 2007
  8. To think that your next story on the Diff would be the same as your first…
    You complaining, whining, and wanting a pity party

    Posted by: Adam Lewinski | May 14, 2007
  9. You can always try 696. It’s just like autobahn but with concrete walls & pillars. And semi-trucks driving 60! The ultimate driving experience!

    Posted by: Kate | May 16, 2007

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Friday, January 19, 2018